"When human hands have done all they can — when they've done their worst — you are still held in God's hands" (Erwin Lutzer).
I took a seat as a wave of grief passed over me, and the tears began to flow. I had just completed a work meeting — the results of which were about to drastically change my life. I'm not much of a crier, but that day the wailing lasted nearly four hours. Trying to pull it together and take a deep breath, I picked up the phone and called my mom (thank the Lord for godly mothers). I explained the situation — that I was being forced out of an organization I had invested blood, sweat, and tears in — and that I wanted to try to figure out some way to make it work. But, the truth was, I was being "quietly fired" — which basically meant I could resign or be let go. I felt profoundly humiliated, betrayed, and used. Why had I chosen to sacrifice days, nights, weekends, some holidays, my creativity, and ideas for an entity that was ready to dispose of me at the drop of a hat? I wasn't sure. Had I been blind?
A blend of thought, tears, and prayer led to my final decision—it was time to pen my letter of resignation and complete my final two weeks. For years, I had pushed myself to endure, work harder, and never give up under the job conditions, but, alas, I saw clearly that it had tragically been in vain.
Elisabeth Elliot once wrote a book she named "These Strange Ashes," a story of work she felt she had done in vain. Elisabeth was a missionary who was translating the Bible into a tribal language. After laboring diligently at the task, all her translation notes were lost, never to be recovered. She penned that title "These Strange Ashes" in reflection about the loss of work she had done fully for God.
That book title seems fitting as I reflect on year twenty-four of my existence. Most of this past year was spent working for an entity that would ultimately decide to go on without me.
Since that fateful meeting, I’ve found myself experiencing all of the stages of grief, and deepening my prayer life. Investing strong effort in a cause you care about is ultimately an act of vulnerability because every little stride towards the ideal – in this case, of ending abortion – is done with heart. Once your work is dismissed by those you once considered comrades in the fight, it is crushing. However, God has thankfully met me in this newfound place of loss.
Choosing to offer up your skills, work, and effort for an oppressed people group can be fulfilling, but with such high stakes in the fight, it can also be demoralizing.
Although my season of working at one entity is over, and it came to a close in a way that felt humiliating, prayer has led me to the conclusion that regardless of what may happen between me and other advocates – good or bad experiences – the unborn deserve my defense. And that is why I continue to fight for them after such a brutal experience.
Looking Back at Year 24
The unexpected ending to my job came this July, but long before that, a lot of life was lived in year twenty-four. Looking all the way back to last August, God was teaching me through challenges what it means to have confidence based on His unchanging character and not in the coming and going of personal successes or failures.
Feeling down after a challenging day, I wrote these words in my journal, “Lord, I’ve made so many mistakes today. I’m hurting on the inside…Life has been rather overwhelming today. All of my wounds have been triggered and ripped wide open. So many memories flashed before me — so much grief was felt. Everything was fine for most of the day until [something happened at work]…An OK day became a very humiliating and low day…” (09.05.23). Challenges in the workplace were forcing me to look beyond my current circumstances onto the eternal for meaning. I found myself reflecting on God's unfailing presence:
“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me” (Isaiah 49:16). “I, even I, am He who comforts you” (Isaiah 51:12).
The month of September brought an onslaught of abortion extremism to the state of Michigan. Despite the fact that the abortion industry had succeeded in its disinformation campaign promoting Proposal 3, ending in that amendment of lies being added to our state's constitution, they were not yet satisfied in their pursuit of shedding the blood of the innocent preborn. Thus, the Reproductive Health Act was heard before Michigan's legislature. "Tomorrow, bright and early, I am going to attend the Health Policy Committee hearing of the Reproductive Health Act. Lord Jesus, please cause the RHA to fail" (09.13.23).
That morning was hard to stomach. I joined dozens of pro-life advocates who opposed this new legislation in the House of Representatives that sought to enshrine abortion through all nine months in our state's laws. We only had a few pro-life laws left in Michigan, but the Reproductive Health Act would repeal many of those that remained. Bold pro-life professionals took the stand and defended the preborn in front of the pro-abortion majority in the committee. Months later, despite our hearty opposition, the Reproductive Health Act was passed. Today, RHA continues to be a source of oppression, discrimination, and violent harm against the most vulnerable members of our state. Never has the need been greater for every pro-life person to raise their voice on behalf of babies in the womb who are completely unable to defend themselves.
I continued praying and asking God to show me how to advocate more effectively for the unborn. He would give me peace through His Word: "You guide me with your counsel" (Psalm 73:24). Every person who seeks to defend babies in the womb brings their own unique gifts, strengths, and weaknesses to the fight — and everyone is needed in our mission to end violence against children. "God gave you a fingerprint that no one else has, so you can leave an imprint that no one else can" (Unknown).
In the midst of intense anti-abortion advocacy, I was wrestling with some personal things in my own heart. This Scripture simultaneously rebuked me and encouraged my soul — "I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps" (Jeremiah 10:23). God is sovereign over every individual aspect of our lives — the things that bring us joy, and the hardships that threaten to break us. I journaled: "May I have valiant trust in you, in your plans, and in the suffering you allow me to experience in your sovereignty" (10.22.23). I was carrying some heavy things that kept me in prayer and constantly coming to God for hope, strength, and fresh joy. God was reminding me that He works powerfully through the weakness of His people. "Our weakness is a vessel for His power and our flaws a canvas for His grace" (She Reads Truth).
When My Spirit Cries Out "SOS"
God brought great conviction upon my heart as the winter months progressed — I was living in fear in many ways, and a simple verse that many of us read around Christmastime pricked my conscience.
"She will give birth to a Son, and you are to give Him the name Jesus, because He will save His people from their sins" (Matthew 1:21, emphasis added).
I had been studying sections of the book of Matthew and the Holy Spirit met me as I examined that one particular word — save. "The word 'Save' is the Greek word 'Sozo' which is from sos — a Greek word meaning safe or rescued. ‘Safe/rescued from destruction and brought into divine safety’ (Helps Word Studies). When I feel unsafe and my spirit cries out ‘SOS’ I will remember that I am in the care of the One named Jesus Christ who has saved my soul for all eternity and brought me into divine safety. Because of the work that Jesus has done, I have been rescued for all eternity. I dwell in divine safety even when I feel unsafe" (01.02.24) [1].
If I was enslaved to the sin of fear, God was convicting me through His Word that I needed to confess and be set free from it. Other passages that I read on different days also contributed to this. "We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin" (Romans 6:6). "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).
One of my many fears, at the time, had to do with painful relationships that seemed to threaten my future. But God continued to call me out and remind me that my responsibility is to be faithful in what He places before me each day, to be kind to the people He puts in front of me, and to be intent in my pursuit of Him. I happened upon these words from Alexandra Hoover that helped me meditate on God's absolute control over every circumstance I face:
"God will pull up the chairs and make a room at the tables that you need to be at. Your influence isn’t contingent on others. Steward what God’s called you to. Stay faithful."
God’s Presence in my Uncertainties
Mary Slessor — a missionary to Calabar — once spoke these profound words: "My life is one long daily, hourly record of answered prayer. For physical health, for mental overstrain, for guidance given marvelously, for errors and dangers averted, for enmity to the Gospel subdued, for food provided at the exact hour needed, for everything that goes to make up life and my poor service. I can testify, with a full and often wonder-stricken awe, that I believe God answers prayer" [2].
So many times during year twenty-four, I found myself calling upon the Lord Jesus for His intervention and provision, and He never failed to be my help. God delights in the dependence of His children — it is never a burden to Him when we bring Him our needs, heartaches, challenges, joys, hopes, desires, and dreams. He cares about all of it, and He desires for us to draw ever nearer to Him in every kind of season we face in this life.
Overcoming Relational Oppression
This past year came with a crash course in skills I never wanted to need to learn. And that would be the need to identify gaslighting and oppressive relational dynamics — discerning them with the light of Scripture.
Have you ever had a person in your life who was incapable of convincing you of their perspective with normal human reason (or through prayer), and instead turned to psychological manipulation? Unfortunately, I had a relationship in my life that went that way. If I had a disagreement with this individual, they would tell me that I was "making up stories" or that what I thought was reality wasn't actually. I began bringing others into the situation since I was being accused of insanity. I would show a wise mentor some of the communications I received from this individual, and with their added input, and that of a Christian counselor, it became clear that I wasn't loony and my perspective wasn't wrong, but my perspective did not serve this person's narratives, and thus they resorted to gaslighting to attempt to intimidate me into embracing their conclusions.
Never before have I been so convinced of the need for more education on what manipulation looks like in relationships. If you are ever told by an acquaintance, friend, coworker, or significant other that you are crazy for not embracing their vein of thinking, be cautious before agreeing with their perspective that you're just insane and that's the whole problem. It's possible you are experiencing psychological manipulation through gaslighting. (And if you are experiencing that, I recommend picking up the book "Safe People"* by Cloud and Townsend).
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Ephesians 2:10).
If you are experiencing gaslighting, it can erode your confidence and create intense doubt about your own mental faculties. But we serve a God who tests hearts and minds — He knows every person's true motives — whether they are genuine or not.
“I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds" (Jeremiah 17:10).
Bring your hardest human relationships before God in prayer, and ask Him to fill you with discernment and courage when you face toxic behavior from others. Often God does call His people into dark places that may include encountering people with maladaptive coping strategies. Jesus is a valiant defender of His children — He is not an accuser. When people exhibit accusatory behavior, have the tenacity to remember that your identity is forever fixed in Christ — no human being can give or take away your security. One of the greatest benefits of experiencing the challenges of difficult people in our lives is that it creates an opportunity to grow in supernatural resilience before them — testifying to the eternal strength of our God, who faithfully defends us.
Remember that God Has Specifically Gifted You According to His Purposes
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Ephesians 2:10).
---
Year twenty-four was incredibly hard, but I look back and see that God has been faithful and present. Had I experienced a year like twenty-four a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I see in that the grace of God and His faithful presence ever going before me in the sufferings He sovereignly allows in my life. It's a sign of growth made possible by God when we can look back and see that He has given us what we needed to endure hardships we never planned to face. As I look ahead to year twenty-five, which is starting today, I feel a strong sense of grit that was built through the dirt of the previous year.
Although I would have liked to avoid some of the difficulties of year twenty-four had that been possible, I now have new discernment about incredibly challenging situations that will help protect me from bad situations in the future. Even though I would not have chosen some of the profoundly hard relationships that were in my life last year, I have become more courageous and more resistant to manipulation as a result of it. Scripture tells us that God is working all things: "for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), so if you are currently facing a difficult year of your own, know that I am praying that God shows you His incredible power, peace, and presence as you endure the challenge before you. He is an incredibly loving and strong God who is able to see you through every difficulty you ever face. Dare to believe it, and go forth courageously in all He has called you to. Even if you've faced a season of "strange ashes," He will redeem, and He will refresh your soul in the wilderness.
"He is my loving God and my fortress" (Psalm 144:2a).
"He is my loving God and my fortress" (Psalm 144:2a).
---
Works Cited
1. Bible Hub. 4982 Sozo. https://biblehub.com/greek/4982.htm
2. Mary Slessor. https://www.azquotes.com/quote/721988
* I do not endorse the entire book "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend (I disagree with a few sections of it), but, generally, it is a helpful resource.
